Stop Touching the Pain: Why We Cling to What Hurt Us—and How to Let It Go

By Ask Lissa | Real Advice. Real Insight.

I want to tell you something that might feel a little uncomfortable—but it could set you free.

Sometimes, even after we’ve healed, we go looking for the ache.
Not because we’re broken.
Not because we’re weak.
But because the pain became familiar—and familiar can feel safer than peace.

Yes, I said that.

I once woke up and realized… something was missing. There was no tightness in my chest, no sting in my heart. It should have felt like a victory—but instead, I felt off. Like something I’d lived with forever had gone missing.

And in the strangest way… I missed it.

Why We Chase the Pain We Worked So Hard to Heal

If you’ve ever run your thoughts over an old wound just to see if it still hurts, you’re not alone.
We do it for the same reason we revisit text messages we should’ve deleted, or rehearse conversations from five years ago. It’s not about punishment—it’s about pattern.
The nervous system adapts to repetition.
If your baseline for years was stress, sadness, betrayal, or survival, then anything else—peace, joy, stillness—can feel suspicious.

So what do we do?

We touch the bruise.
We poke the memory.
We self-sabotage just a little.
And then we say, “See? That’s more like it.”

But that’s not healing. That’s relapsing into familiarity.

How to Stop Reaching Backwards (Even When You’re Tempted)

1. Notice the Pattern

The first step to breaking any cycle is awareness—not judgment. Just pause and notice: Are you mentally scrolling through the past? Are you silently replaying old stories where you were the one left behind, hurt, or unheard? This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your mind is looking for something familiar to hold onto. And you get to lovingly say, “I don’t need this story today.” Call it out, and you weaken its grip.

2. Ask Yourself: “What Am I Hoping to Find?”

When you reach for that old hurt, ask yourself—what’s the payoff? Are you craving validation? Wanting someone to finally say sorry? Hoping the past will rewrite itself just so you can rest? If it didn’t give you what you needed the first hundred times, it won’t now. That’s not cruel—it’s clarity. Your peace won’t come from what hurt you. It comes from what you choose now.

3. Redirect the Energy

Healing doesn’t mean pretending it never happened—it means giving your focus a new home. This is where the shift happens. That same energy you use to revisit pain can be redirected into something powerful. Read something that lifts your spirit. Write a letter to your old self—then burn it. Go for a walk like you’re walking out of the story and into the next chapter. Use movement, art, music, or silence to gently reroute your nervous system. You’re not avoiding the pain—you’re choosing something more useful than circling the drain.

Mind: Read something inspiring. Journal. Start a project that reflects who you’re becoming.
Body: Walk. Stretch. Move like someone who is no longer carrying that weight.
Spirit: Light a candle. Listen to Solfeggio frequencies. Thank your past self for surviving—but lovingly let her go.

4. Create a New Baseline

If chaos was your comfort zone, peace can feel boring, or worse—fake. You might even find yourself rejecting happiness just because it doesn’t match your “normal.” But that’s trauma talking, not truth. You’re allowed to rewrite the script. Teach your system that joy isn’t a trick, calm isn’t a setup, and love that doesn’t hurt isn’t too good to be true—it’s just new. Let your body learn what safety feels like. Then stay there until it feels like home..

You Are Not the Ache You Survived

You are not your scars. You are not the stories that wounded you. You are the person who made it out.

If you find yourself searching for that old pain again, pause.
Take a breath.
Place your hand over your heart and remind yourself:

“I don’t live there anymore.”

And if you ever need a little guidance, you know where to find me.

Send your questions to the Ask Lissa advice column, or book a session. Let’s rewrite your story together.